yabbayabba

thurssssday night.
tomorrow i am taking a group of students to the nearby town, BAUTZEN.
i want to be sitting here with a glass of wine, writing this...it was a long daaaaay so i deserve some wine! but no no no. but no wine because i am drinking less now. drinking less, eating less, working out more. getting out of my breakup slump, FINALLY!!!! wooooof. i was already out of it mentally, but not with my habits.

i have been thinking a lot lately! thinking positively.
i walk around everywhere in the city of dresden...have lots of time to think.

when im back in my room at my computer, im either sending emails for chris and his music stuff, or sending job applications out. SO MANY JOBS. ugh! sick! i really do not enjoy the process, but who does? its just weird to think that the process is simplified so much for those who have connexxxxx. haha, i dont know how i feel about all of that. my family would help me and give me contacts if i asked, but i havent. just feels less rewarding. i DID use one contact in the past for a job app...that hasnt gone anywhere anyway, though.

its very strange to see boston through the internet bubble. its like, i left, and my hearts not there anymore (most of me is not there), but i see things coming through the internet and its like a distant memory...none of it seems real. ive been trying to kind of come to terms with the fact that i put too much energy into my relationship with holden while i was at BU. i missed out on a lot of things on campus and things with friends. he was so much a part of my experience in boston that i just cant really see the city all clear and clean and such...i cant see it without him in it. its just a very frustrating feeling. i remember being frustrated that i flew through high school and didnt take much of it with me...well, i feel very similarly about boston.

mostly, more than anything, im just absolutely PUZZLED that i let myself get like that and stay like that. just very sad. so i think thats a huge reason why i see passive/"weak" people as "not for me." i dont want that shit! i want high expectations and open opinions!!! im not wasting my time on this earth anymore, nope.

so then i am back here:
dating, dating, dating, dating, and finding nothing great, and working, working, working.
who knows where things will be in january!!!!! soooososo scary/crazy to think about.

ive been writing things some, but mostly sending them to chris. i send chris things from time to time to get him think about music/writing differently--to try to stretch his abilities. it usually works! he and i work well together like that.

ANYWAYyyy i wanted to write a bunch with a big glass of wine next to me tonight (i was seriously imagining all of it unfold while i was walking back home from babysitting), but now this post is just a regular old update.

oh, also! dan got the job in london but he doesnt even know if he wants it.
something i find really interesting--this struggle between love and money for work.
do you work cause you love what youre doing?
because you get paid well?
because of both? and if because of both, what is the percentage.
i think for me, i would have to LOVEEEE what i am doing a lot in order to stay sane.

dan and i had some good talks about all of that...

i miss dan a lot.

anyway.

bis später.
xo