misplaced love

waking up in a car wreck
flames abound, your scent surrounding
but your absence, very clear
you left me there to get out alone

the mission successful, me feeling bad
about praying to a god who i didnt think existed
a stew of puddles of sweat and tears on my face,
with each move, my body ached as i twisted

and now i am here.

i do not remember what love is
nor do i necessarily believe in it
lust pushes forward and gets to my soul
and i pass another lover in the dating mold
my heart melts like butter, still lust, i know

sexual traffic, wondering where my mind went
trying to be cold, trying to be lifeless
(like him)
meanwhile, increasing the tally i wish i never had
wondering how many marks are on the tally of my dad
and somehow it still feels better to be there, in bed

"i will never date another man of that kind."
but its too late and his body jumped in mine
and im somehow bound by a guilt for that crime
"no, you can always change,
youre never stuck in the fire."

eye contact, fuck someone elses eyes
i dont want your eyes connecting with mine

then,
was the innocent option the right one that time?
love seemed so real, but ran away just fine
as he drove home from boston, allein
fuuccccck that hurt
that killed my hope
after nine