Wrote on the way home from Disney, 8/8

From Disney to Pennsylvania to Dresden

Riding back from the Harrisburg airport to State College. My mom, driving, Chris, in the passenger seat. Me in the back with all of my things. My gifts for my friends at Beatpol. I’m listening to Sufjan Steven’s “All Delighted People” EP.

Disney was wonderfully strange. It was an up and down week of family affairs and amusement park rides that were built for kids younger than us. We were all on an escapist high for most of the time, and the few downs happened when Dan or Chris were unhappy with how things were going…whether it was where dinner happened to be, or because we were staying at a park too long. It wasn’t hard to understand their lack of patience, but it was pretty surprising, how many times I had to sit down with them and try to talk things out, and understand where they were coming from. I was really happy with our talks though, because they were all productive...they never would have been that way in the past. Our family is, like many families, a very confusing and frustrating ball of history that has so many corners and edges. So when we go on vacation together, old ghosts arise and people get overprotective of their new and matured souls.

“It is what it is,” as my dad would say.

He did not come to Florida with us, obviously. He did visit us in PA for two days though, for my birthday. It was nice, and everyone got along really well until the last night when my friends and I went out with Dan to some downtown bars (we had been going out a lot while he was home and had been having a great time) and Dan and I got in a fight about the music industry. Too much vodka turned into a shouting war, sort of! I backed away…didn’t say mean things back, but just tried to defend myself. The next day, everyone was unraveled. It was work to repair things, but we did.

But now we are driving back to State College and I have to leave tomorrow and I really, really don’t want to. I have figured things out for the most part. I’m lucky to have a few options of where I could be next spring. After much thought, I’m okay with staying in Germany if I get the music industry job I want, but…I don’t really want to work for BU from now until then. BU sucks. I will never change my opinion on the institution and its crazy, walled-up ways.

I don’t want to monitor kids who often appear unthankful and spoiled. I don’t want to guide them through their semester woes. It’s a stuck-up perspective I have at this point, I know, but I just really can’t take what the job’s requirements entail. I’m a snob about it. I’ve lived in Germany on and off for six years now and yes I know, it’s a great country and I’m LUCKY to have had the experiences I’ve had, but if my job doesn’t make me happy, then I shouldn’t do it. It’s so dumb to see people living their lives and pursuing jobs they don’t enjoy. I feel bad such misery. I realize it can’t be helped in many instances, but in my case, it can be helped! I can change my path. This said, I have signed up to work another semester, so I will suck up my own issues with the job and make it the best few months I can. I realize it’s wrong to just complain and not do what I can to improve my situation.

Like I was saying though, I really don’t want to go back. I’m not ready. I’ve never been this happy before—particularly with home —in many years. How awesome is that? I’m so content with myself and the things/people around me. Things make sense. It feels so good. I have to smile while writing it.

Anywayyy, seeing Trevor (his grave) in Florida was great. It was hard, but necessary and beautiful. I got to reconnect with his mom too and see where he went to school after he moved from State College. I got to breathe the air he used to breathe. I realized why friendship means so much to me and why my expectations are so high.

AAAAgh, this whole trip back to the US was just so, so good! I feel so lucky.

Thank youuuuuu to all the really amazing friends who I got to visit with while being home. It was a great time and it meant a lot to me.

I will miss you American bears.

Xo

Jen