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I function better at night. I feel more comfortable, and things are easier, especially here in Dresden. It's been a long day today and it's sticky out. I'm eager for the sun to go down so I can go on a nighttime run and get outside of my head.

Last semester is starting to make more sense to me. I got really down because of things with Holden, but I think my environment played a major part of my mood. Working for BU isn't that rewarding and still being caught up in college affairs just makes me feel like I'm not moving on somehow--especially when most college kids from BU who are a part of this program tend to be kids with histories that I hardly understand, and can hardly relate to. No, I don't know what it's like to grow up with a lot of money and have parents who do a lot for you. And who cares? In the real world, histories don't matter as much...you have to focus on what YOU bring to the table--who you are today. But, my job in Dresden...where I'm living...it's not the real world. It feels like I'm caught in limbo surrounded by helpless college kids and I can't get to know people who I would normally gravitate toward.

I'm pretty much an authoritative bitch and I feel bad about it in general, but not at all personally. I think the kids in the program need to GET WITH the program and do things for themselves. I don't want to hold their hands. I don't care if they can hardly speak German. I was in the same situation my senior year of high school and I got along fine.

I just feel incredibly cranky and irritable, which sucks because I had such an amazing time back home...I had managed to flip things around and get healthier, happier, and more focused. Here, things are messy and enveloped in less purpose.

The most frustrating thing is that I don't want to be this way at all. I feel spoiled and guilty. It sucks to be negative and full of complaints. It's a draining position to be in and it's also a draining position to put others in, when you're around them. Yuck. It just feels crummy. I don't want it to cloud my love for Germany and my interest in a future career here in the music industry. I'm going to try, try, try to hold on to what makes this place special.