Listen to Emperor X at emperorx.net

I wrote this on the way to Dresden in the Frankfurt airport at 6:00 AM 1/25/11, German time. My current thoughts follow afterward:

I feel thoroughly ungrateful and surprised as I’m saying all of this— but I’m so enervated from Germany.

The time I was back in the US for a month, I saw opportunities in friendships, jobs, familial relationships, new places…I don’t know. Although there were a few times I was upset or confused with certain things or generalities, I was the happiest (most satisfied) I have been in a long time.

It almost feels wrong and nearly impossible to have everything come together like it is. To have a healthy and happy family, to have good friends, and amazing boyfriend, and to be in the current financial/job situation I am in—is completely unexpected. I remember so many years thinking that my familial situation would not change and that people in general could not change. I was so, so sure I would never be proved wrong. But this year has brought so much beauty to my life.

So while all of this is happening—while all of my uncertainties are transforming into clarity, I’m back in Germany: the place I escaped to when all of these things weren’t working in my favor. I first came here for a year as a senior in high school so that I wouldn’t have to be around my family and my high school. Germany changed everything for me and I’ve come here every year since then. But this time is different. I still appreciate, love, and respect Germany more than any other foreign country, but I don’t feel like it’s as much of my identity anymore. Instead, I can proudly and sentimentally say that my family is the thing that I hold closest to myself—they have made me who I am today and I feel so lucky to have them. I feel so much more whole having them; something that might sound normal for many, but it never was for me.

So Germany is still a country I love and I know I will be here countless times again in the future, but I have to say that I’m happy this change has taken place. I no longer need Germany to get inspired or feel unique. I think I used to use Germany as the answer to all of my unsolved questions, which just didn’t make sense.

I'm proud to be an American citizen. I don’t want to be a citizen of another country.

I do, however, want to visit OTHER parts of the world! Jeez! I want to get to Africa and Asia! I’ve spent so much money coming to Germany when I could have been visiting other places.

I know that none of this is necessarily permanent. I know tomorrow everything could change. But right now I feel content.

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I've been here the whole day now, mostly sleeping. I still feel this way, but I am glad to be back. It was nice to see some familiar faces. I feel comfortable here. It's also warmer than Boston, so that's a plus.

I just miss some people a lot--more than I usually miss people, I guess.

Things start tomorrow. I have a long meeting and then I'm babysitting.

Live long and prosper! <3!

Jen